Hope Springs

Don’t let anyone tell you that grammar isn’t important. Commas are crucial, and if you haven’t learned about prepositions yet, you could be in for some real disappointment when you discover there is a big difference between movies with sex and movies about sex.

Movies with sex are the ones that make you feel kind of tingly and usually involve a bit of sweaty nakedness and some rolling around and getting down. These films can run the gamut from lots of winking and nudging to full frontal let’s-watch-it-again-from-this-angle scenes. Porn is pretty matter of fact about what it wants to accomplish but romantic comedies are usually a bit more subtle – they like to actually wrap a plot around the sex scenes so that they can get girls to watch, too, because everyone knows that we are too genteel to admit we might be interested. Continue reading

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Ted

Back in my wilder days, I went to a party and drank an entire bottle of Cold Duck. Those of you not fortunate enough to have experienced this delectable drink should know that it is based on a traditional German custom of mixing together all the dregs left in unfinished wine bottles with a little champagne, shaking it up and screwing on a metal top. So just that recipe lets you know that this is a really fine wine. And as the perfect savory pairing with this spectacular nectar, chosen with the flourish of a Charlie Trotter sommalier, I also ate a bag of Cheetos. Delicious as this combination was, I started to feel just a bit woozy, and stood up gracefully from the lounge chair I was splayed out on to make my way indoors to the powder room. Unbeknownst to me, someone had installed a sliding glass door right between me and the inside of the house. I walked directly into the glass and bounced off of it, leaving in my wake a trail of colorful chum sliding down the once transparent surface that was as awesome as it was disgusting. I know this all happened because it was described to me, in Technicolor detail, by a former friend of mine. Continue reading