“Top Ten Barf-tastic Movies” article

Dear Everyone I Bragged To on the Internet:

In a clear cut case of counting your buzzards before they hatch, it appears that my article entitled The Top Ten Barf-tastic Movies To Avoid will NOT be published online at Vulture.com. An editor at the New York Magazine affiliated site originally contacted me and said he loved flicksthatmakemesick.com and would I be willing to write an article that briefly highlighted some of the movies that caused motion sickness. Although I suspected that my site was a tad too niche oriented to appeal to the vast majority of the celebrity-crazed public, I kept my reservations to myself because … well, dude! it was Vulture and they were going to publish me!

Unfortunately, they finally came to that conclusion themselves. After being ignored for awhile, I received a very nice email explaining that my subject matter was just a little too specific for them and they would need all the space they had to run more Match the Hair to the Movie Star quizzes (which is understandable – the Leonardo diCaprio one was hard and left me wanting more, more, more!)

Since Vulture does not wish to spread my words across the starry landfill that is cyberspace, I turn to the only outlet I have left and share this with you, my seven readers. Fear not, for I am not discouraged by this slight and will continue to champion for you, my loyal yet extremely queasy fans!

The Top Ten Barftastic Films to Avoid

Four BagsYou’ve been anticipating this date night for weeks, and you snuggle into the comfy stadium seating with your sweetie and a bucket of popcorn. Absorbed in the film and the tension of the drifting astronauts, you hardly notice the light sheen of sweat that starts to film your upper lip. Your stomach roils a bit and you glance nervously at your date, hoping he thinks it’s the Dolby sound system. Moments later, saliva fills your mouth and you realize with horror that you must choose between barfing in your purse or the popcorn bucket. You choose the purse, because it costs less than the snacks did.

The release of the gut-churning Gravity has once more threatened the tooth enamel of ticket buyers with weak stomachs. The shakiness of hand-held cameras and choppy editing in films have been causing nausea in the audience for years, and certain movies can almost guarantee that once the lights go down, something else is coming up. Here are some barftastic films that you need to watch out for:

10. The Blair Witch Project (1999):  Not the first horror movie to use the shaky cam technique but certainly the most famous. People in the audience were creating hex signs out of Twizzlers to make it stop.

9. The Fighter (2011): This Mark Wahlberg film combines hand-held camera work, boxing, choppy editing, and a crack addict who is so jittery that he makes everything else look like it’s shaking even when the camera is locked down. Also from director David O. Russell: Three Kings (1999), which was even worse.

8. Cloverfield (2008): The monster invading Manhattan was scary but nothing was worse than the puddles you had to jump over in the aisles. Theaters were posting warnings in the lobby about the effects of this one.

7: Babel (2006): A series of vaguely related plots all united by a blurry Brad Pitt, this film contained a disco sequence in a Japanese nightclub that was seizure inducing. See also: Twilight: Breaking Dawn – the birth scene.

6. Once (2006): This delightful musical is so low-budget that the lead characters can’t afford first names – they are simply called “The Guy” and “The Girl.” Apparently they couldn’t afford a tripod, either. Completely unexpected, which made it even worse because it snuck up on you. See also: Rachel Gets Married.

5. Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012):  Even Quvenzhané Wallis’ fabulous bouncing hair will make you queasy after fifteen minutes of watching her run through the swamp.

4: Argo (2013): The recreation of jittery real life footage keeps you constantly on the verge of yakking, and makes you want to shout “Argo fuck yourself!” at Ben Affleck.

3. Life of Pi (2013): Any movie that’s filmed on water is going to be a problem. The constant motion of the bobbing lifeboat will make you empathize with the poor seasick tiger and you may want to bite the head off of the hyena sitting next to you. Most recent additions to this category: Captain Phillips and All is Lost.

2. Exit the Gift Shop (2012): Most of this documentary about street artist Banksy is shot in the dark while people are running, and the camera may very well have been manned by Michael J. Fox. Perfect for the guerrilla-type artists that are being featured but sheer hell if you’re sitting in the audience.

1. The Bourne Supremacy (2004): The mother of all shaky cam movies! Although there are many films that used the hand-held technique before The Bourne Identity sequel was released, this is the one where people really started to notice the effect. Specifically, when complete strangers started throwing up on their shoes.

You can’t stop the way your stomach and brain react to these films, but you can minimize the effects. Sit waaaay in the back, don’t eat greasy popcorn and for the love of God, stay away from IMAX.

Chris Broquet has been resting on couches in theater lobbies for years as she tries to recover from watching hand-held films. See her complete guide to movies that will nauseate you with the unique Barf Bag Rating system at flicksthatmakemesick.com

Gravity

gravity-posterI thought our time together was over. I warned you as often as I could, but lately things have been on a pretty even keel and I sensed you didn’t need me any more. Directors have moved onto new technology, found new ways to tantalize our senses, and every film I went to was like watching angels ice-skating or majestic condors gliding on air. I was going to slip quietly away into cyberspace; let the Barf Bags pile up on some server in the clouds, uncounted and unnecessary.

But then something happened; this movie started to get a lot of chatter about special effects and floating and space and bad things that can happen if you ever leave your basement and suddenly I realized: You DO need me! Someone has to warn the world about this film! Someone has to stand on the edge of the internet and shout into the void: this movie is going to make you barf!

Gravity has opened to fabulous reviews, academy award talk and lots of positive buzz. The film deserves the press it’s getting and it will probably garner lots of nominations. But this about more than just striking camera work and awesome special effects masterminded by director Alfonso Cuarón; this is about what is going to happen to your lower intestines. While the critics are tossing accolades, you are going to be tossing your cookies.

This movie is ninety minutes of spinning in space; spinning while things fly through the air and smash into stuff, spinning while floating weightlessly through corridors, spinning while tethered to other astronauts and spinning just for the sake of spinning. There is no fixed horizon to latch onto because they are in space, so you end up about as pale as Sandra Bullock does as she tries to hold it together in zero gravity. It’s actually a very clever way to really feel like you are part of the crew in peril, but if I had wanted to be an astronaut I wouldn’t have cut all those algebra classes in high school.

I have to admit that much of the spinning took place in my imagination because I had my eyes closed for a large part of the film, but between the 3D headache and the queasiness from the swirling, it was really the only way to survive to the end to see if Sandy and George made it out alive.

Sandy and George; they’re like old friends, aren’t they? They are so familiar to us as movie stars that in some ways it felt like they were miscast in the film. Sandra Bullock was quite good, and managed to get beyond her popular persona and meld with her character. But George Clooney was George Clooney; I never for one moment thought he was an astronaut. There were times you heard only his voice and it sounded like he was narrating a beer commercial. But I have to admit if I was stranded in space with only one voice to soothe me, his is probably the one I would want. And in return, I hope that he would hold my hair back after what his movie did to me.

Four BagsBarf Bag Rating: FOUR BAGS  This movie joins other four baggers in the Barf Bag Hall of Fame, nestled right between The Bourne Supremacy and Exit at the Gift Shop. As you can well imagine, the Barf Bag Hall of Fame does not smell very good.

Random thought: I’m sure the skimpy tank top and boy shorts that Sandra Bullock wears under her spacesuit are standard NASA issued gear. I would just like to know why we didn’t get to see George in the same outfit.

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